Feeling Like a Failure & Mum Guilt

Hi friends!

I know it’s been a long time since I wrote a blog, but I had a lot on my mind that I just wanted to vent – this blog is a bit all over the place, so please excuse that – it’s been a while!

So today’s blog is going to be a bit of a deeper one, so I hope that’s okay! I’ve been going through a lot of stuff emotionally and mentally lately and figured there is no way I am the only Mum who ever feels like this, so I thought I’d share some of what I’ve been going through in the hopes that I’ll help someone else who feels the same and even maybe gain a bit of support for myself too.

Lately, life has been very hectic and busy lately, good busy, but still busy can sometimes be stressful. Between work, study, trying to be a decent wife and Mum as well as the fact that Hunter was sick non-stop with colds/flus from March right through until about 3 weeks ago, my mental and emotional health started to slip a little –  actually lets be honest – a LOT. In the past 6 months of my life I’ve had at least 5 nervous breakdowns. I really wish I was exaggerating, but unfortunately I’m not. A lot of the time they stem from my anxiety (which if you were unaware – you probably are seeing as I’ve been too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it – stems from my emetophobia. I don’t really ever want to go into detail about this because I am honestly so ashamed that at almost 25 years old, I still struggle immensely with this phobia, but if you’d like to know about it, google it.) but more recently it stems from my fear of letting people down. I have always been someone who gives up on things far too easily. At the first sign of problems I usually run for the hills or pack it in and call it a day, so this year has been a real test for me. Financially, my job helps my family out substantially – I don’t earn much at all, but it covers most of our weekly groceries which is very helpful when you’re trying to budget and save money. But, not only that, I have never (and I really mean, never) loved a job as much as I love my current one. My managers and bosses are amazing and so easy to get along with and so are all of my colleagues. My position itself is amazing, I enjoy almost every single task I do and finally feel like a valued team member, so much so that I decided to make a career out of it. Now, being a Mum of an almost 3 year old and deciding you want to work towards a career is tough, but it is definitely do-able with a bit of discipline. I currently only work 2 days a week, however over the past few months my original role of Motel Receptionist has changed and I am now taking on a lot more work and stress than originally intended. My job absolutely isn’t stressful, however with Hunter getting sick so much lately, it’s meant I’ve had to take a lot of sick days – which obviously isn’t helpful to my workplace and my manager (very nicely) mentioned that I needed to get mine and Hunter’s health in order because they need me to be on board every week – as a lot of my tasks now can’t be completed without me. I have to be honest, I felt pretty defeated and like an absolute failure and the more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Hunter getting sick a lot isn’t really something I can change, he takes vitamin c, an immune booster and a probiotic daily and he’s in daycare, so I can’t do more than what I already am doing to prevent him from catching a cold. Lately, I’ve really struggled with the thought of failing and disappointing people – my self confidence is at an all time low (I’ll write about that in another blog) so this really hit me hard. I found myself getting anxious any time Hunter sneezed or coughed or if I felt unusually tired or had a tickle in my throat because I was so scared of needing to call in sick again. On top of all of that, my house constantly looks like a bomb has hit it and I’ve fallen way behind on my study, I go to bed every night feeling like an absolute failure as a wife, a Mum and as an employee. Every single day I feel Mum guilt – either about not spending enough time sitting and playing with Hunter or that I shouldn’t have gotten as cranky with him at some point in the day and it has become overwhelming lately. I constantly feel the need to be reassured by my husband that I’m not a terrible wife and that he isn’t going to leave me for someone younger, prettier, more organised and capable of actually getting pregnant and carrying a baby full term (yep, still clinging on to that – yet another blog coming your way in the near future). I feel like I have aged terribly this year and that I just downright look ugly – which is something I have never genuinely felt before. I have always been a self conscious person, but I’ve also always had a decent amount of confidence in my appearance and personality. I have even had times where I have considered leaving my husband purely because I don’t think I’m good enough – and recently had a horrible argument with him because of this (I won’t go into details of the argument out of respect for my husband and my marriage – Jamie isn’t an over-sharer like I am) – edit: I also want to quickly mention that our marriage genuinely is fantastic and we generally don’t argue much at all – didn’t want anyone thinking we aren’t happy or that we’re on the brink of divorce – not even close! I’m finding things tough because I don’t really have any close friends where I live any more and struggle to find new ones due to my anxiety and the fact that I really think I can be difficult to get along with sometimes – so I don’t have anyone to chill out and vent to anymore. Wow, I really didn’t plan on this becoming a poor me blog, I had actually planned on writing a blog about how we all feel like we’re failing sometimes and that’s okay because we’re all doing the best we can, but how can I give advice when I don’t even take it on board myself.

Anyway, I do want to say that I am getting back on track when it comes to study and my work (I’m actually managing the motel for 5 days soon!) – I guess I’m still struggling more than I thought emotionally and mentally. But, I am absolutely not depressed or ungrateful for my life – I don’t want anyone to think that. I’m just going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment – but I’ll get through it. I hope you’re all doing well and staying warm and if any of you ever need to talk, I’m always just a message away.

Kimberly Xo

What’s in Hunter’s Easter Basket? Easter Gift Ideas For Toddlers

Hello everyone!

So I was struggling to come up with ideas on what to give Hunter for Easter and then whilst I was out looking around at the shops yesterday I found some really great stuff for toddlers that was inexpensive but still fun. I thought I would share with you what Hunter is getting in his Easter basket this year (although his is all in a bag because I couldn’t find a basket).

Easter spread

This is what I came up with, I’ll list each item below and where I bought it. I can’t remember the exact prices of everything but most things were only $3 or $4, with the most expensive item being the Hey Duggee Magazine which was $7.95.

hey duggie

I purchased this Hey Duggee Activity book from my local Newsagency for $7.95 – which I didn’t think was too expensive seeing as it comes with some little toys as well. This book also has some cute little comic book style stories as well as a sheet of stickers.

dory colouring book

I purchased this Finding Dory colouring in/activity book from The Reject Shop for about $3. It also includes washable markers which is great considering somebody has a habit of “accidentally” drawing on the walls…

my first letters

I found this little My First Letters book at the Newsagency in the kids magazines section for about $4. I think it’s such a wonderful idea as each letter has a character attached to it (like E is for Elmo) – which I think will help keep Hunter interested whilst still learning letters.

Paper mates

Okay, I’m not going to lie, I bought this more for myself than for Hunter – seeing as he isn’t quite old enough for this kind of thing yet. But when I saw it, it brought back so many memories of making animals out of kits just like this with my Grannie when I was little and seeing as we are visiting my Grandparents and Parents this Easter, I couldn’t resist. This kit comes with everything you need to make cute little 3D cardboard animals, except for the glue. I found this at The Reject Shop for about $3-$4.

pooh bear easter

This very cute Winnie The Pooh Easter book was found tucked away in amongst a bunch of other Disney books at my local Newsagency. Hunter has been obsessed with “Pooh Bear” since he was a very little baby – his nursery was Winnie The Pooh themed and we had wall stickers up behind the rocking chair. When he started learning to smile, we noticed a lot of the time he wasn’t actually looking at me, he was looking past me at Pooh bear on his wall (to be honest I think he still prefers Pooh bear to me). So I thought this was very fitting. It was only $3-$4.

stickers

These were some stickers that caught Hunter’s eye at the Newsagency so I figured I’d get them for him. They’re really great for learning animal names too! They were around $2.

egg nest

That’s everything that’s going in his bag, however we are going to be doing an Easter egg hunt as well! This will be Hunter’s first year participating in Easter Egg hunts and I honestly can’t wait to see his reaction. I’m planning on downloading some Easter bunny footprint templates online and cutting them out to stick on the floor up the hallway, just to add that extra magic. We will be hiding some chocolate hollow eggs around the house for him to find, but seeing as he is still only 2 and a half – I don’t really want him having too much chocolate (and my Mum makes an amazing chocolate Easter cake which is covered in Easter eggs every year so there’s that too). But I also wanted to have it be a decent sized hunt – so I searched online for some plastic fillable Easter eggs. I got these from an online party store for about $5 and decided to go to The Reject Shop to find things to fill them with. Now – I do want to mention (and this is pretty obvious) that if you plan on doing this with toddlers, make sure you don’t purchase anything your toddler can choke on. I was really stuck for ideas as I am a bit paranoid when it comes to Hunter and small things, seeing as he still like to put things in his mouth (and up his nose…sigh), however just walking around the reject shop I found a few cute things to fill his eggs with.

egg prizes

Firstly, I found these bubbles that fit perfectly inside the eggs, they come with a little wand attached too. These are ones that you would have to watch your toddler with, as the cap does come off the bubbles and could be a choking hazard – however if you remove the cap for them, it would be fine. I also found mini tennis balls – these came in a pack of six and are all different colours. Now, the last thing I got was some hot wheels cars. These were a bit tricky, as I bought a few, but only 2 of them were small enough to fit inside the eggs, so maybe take an egg with you so you can judge the size. I also included some stickers in each egg and plan on putting a balloon in the ones that have the mini tennis balls. If you live in a warm area, water balloons would be great to pop in there as well.

So that is everything Hunter is getting for Easter this year. I normally wouldn’t have gotten this many things for him, however everything was so affordable – and it saves me taking activities from home to my Grandparents place to keep him occupied. I also wanted to keep up the tradition my grandparents started with me when I was little, we always got a few small, inexpensive gifts in our Easter bags/baskets and it made everything just that little more special.

What are you doing for your little ones this Easter? Let me know in the comments below!

Wishing you all a safe and Happy Easter!

Kimberly Xo

 

Go the F*ck To Sleep!

Go the F*ck To Sleep…

When I first heard about this book, I thought it was just a joke, you know something funny parents could laugh about. Funnily enough, while I was in labour, my husband was showing the midwife the video on YouTube of Noni Hazlehurst reading the book and we were all having a good laugh about it (and by we I mean my mother, husband and midwife were laughing while I was trying not to scream profanities during contractions). Now I am considering finding a distributor and reading it to my son every time I put him to bed. If you haven’t already guessed, we are seriously struggling with sleep in our household. Well, I shouldn’t say we (mummy and daddy would LOVE a full night’s sleep without munchkin ending up in bed with us), more like one Master Grubby who has decided to scream like he is being tortured every time we put him down for a nap or to bed at night. I am seriously ready to pull my hair out. It wasn’t all that long ago (some 20 years or so..) that I was a little toddler being forced to nap and even at 3 years old I knew the beauty of lying in bed mid-afternoon to take a nap (disclaimer; this may not actually be true – consult Meemaw for accurate recount of my naptime struggles). Seriously though, I don’t understand why babies/children hate naps/sleep so much. Dude, you’re clearly tired, how about we fix that by putting you to bed so you can sleep, then you won’t be tired anymore! The sad part of this is that you can’t explain logic to a baby, well you can try but I guarantee (at least for my little one) it won’t be well received. As I type, my son is screaming in his cot like an absolute lunatic because he’s tired and no one is fixing it. We have been struggling with nap time and bed time for the past month and a half and I am well and truly over it. It is taking its toll on my body, to the point where I have grinded my teeth out of sheer frustration that much that I have given myself a condition called trigeminal neuralgia. This is where the nerves in your jaw are pinched to all hell and it shoots excruciating pain through the whole side of your face and I am now going to have to be on very strong medication for the rest of my life because of it. *Insert massive sigh*

So here I am, openly sharing with you my struggles with being a parent, admitting that I get incredibly frustrated with my nearly 9 month old’s sleeping conundrums and yet I rarely see anyone admitting the same. Rarely do you hear anyone complain about their infants in person or on social media. Why is that? Why are people so afraid to vent or even seek advice on Fakebook? No that is not a typo, Facebook is just that, fake. That is the beauty of social media, you can display the parts of your life that you want on show; things you are proud of, achievements, photos of your kids being cute etc. But why doesn’t anyone ever be honest and say “why won’t my child go the f*ck to sleep?” Now don’t get me wrong, what you do with your social media accounts is your business and I’m not hating on anyone at all, I just feel like people need to be more honest. If you know me personally (or have read a few of my blogs), you will know I am a brutally honest person. I am an over-sharer and I’m proud of it. People always know they will get the same me every time they see or talk to me, no one ever has to wonder how I’m feeling because if I’m not telling you how I feel, its usually written all over my face (or on my Facebook or blog ;). This is just the way I am and I know not everyone is like this and not everyone wants to be either. But I feel like if people were more open and honest about what they are going through, we’d all feel less shitty about ourselves. People often feel they need to portray this positive person who never has anyone trouble with anything because they are in fear of being judged or just don’t want to be seen as someone who is ungrateful and complains all the time. However, if more of us shared our parenting struggles, the less “frowned-upon” it will be. The way I see it is like this; if I see someone post a status saying they are struggling with a teething bub, my initial thought is to offer advice. I know not everyone wants others’ advice and opinions but you never know, you might help someone by sharing your tips.

What I am trying to get at is, if we all were a little more open with our parenting struggles, maybe we wouldn’t all struggle so much…Then again I guess it comes down to whether you find parenting difficult or not and how you cope when your kids have a meltdown.

Now, does anyone know how I can get my baby to Go the F*ck To Sleep?!

As always feel free to send me a message on Facebook if you have any questions or just want to chat!

Kimberly xo

 

Incompetent Cervix – The reason I almost lost my baby.

I have been meaning to write this blog for a very long time and am finally getting around to it. This is a very important blog to me personally and probably the most important one I will ever write. As the title says, this is something EVERY pregnant woman or anyone TTC needs to read. We were very lucky to have our precious boy delivered safely at just under 34 weeks. However, if it hadn’t been for a very thorough ultrasound technician and an amazing Obstetrician, things would be very, very different for us. This is my story… please share so others are given the chance that we were.

My pregnancy was a fairly normal one. I had all the typical signs and symptoms; morning sickness, bloating, extreme tiredness, the usual. That was up until my 20 week scan. Now most people who know me personally, will know that I was extremely stressed and anxious about my 20 week scan. From the beginning of my pregnancy I had a “feeling” that something was wrong or was going to go wrong. Everyone kept telling me that I was nuts and that I was being silly. Call it mother’s intuition, call it whatever you want, but I just knew we were going to be given some bad news. I wanted to be prepared and know exactly what I was looking at when I went into my 20 week scan so I decided to google what they look for in the scan. What would look normal and what wouldn’t. What would be cause for concern etc. However, nothing could prepare me for what I was going to be told. Even with all of the research I did I never came across this condition…

On the day of my 20 week scan, I had gotten myself so worked up that I actually collapsed in the elevator at the hospital on the way to the scan and luckily Jamie dragged me in there otherwise I don’t know what would have happened. Once we got into the scan room I explained to the ultrasound technician that I was very nervous, luckily he was really nice and managed to keep me calm. At the beginning of the scan, they checked my cervix a few times and asked whether the Doctor had any concerns about the pregnancy or whether I was high risk. I answered no and immediately alarm bells went off in my head. The technician said not to worry and that maybe my bladder wasn’t full enough and that he would do the rest of the scan and go back to check the cervix at the end of the scan. About 30 minutes later we were told we had a very healthy and “textbook” baby. He then went to re-check my cervix and looked concerned. That is when he called in his superior to check as well. It’s safe to say I began to panic at this point. A lady came into the room and checked as well and said that my cervix was measuring a bit short and that I needed to discuss it with my doctor. Luckily, we had booked an appointment with my Obstetrician for about an hour after the scan. In between the time of the scan and the OB appointment I did some googling and found very little info on a shortened cervix. Once in the OB’s office he immediately wanted to do an internal scan and said that while my cervix was measuring short, it wasn’t really of concern at this point, but to come back in 1 week to check it.

A week passes by and we are back at the OB’s office yet again awaiting another internal ultrasound. I wasn’t really nervous as the OB seemed confident that everything would be fine the week previous. However, once the ultrasound began I knew something was wrong. The OB was silent throughout the majority of the scan. Towards the end of the scan he turned to me and said “Your cervix has shortened to about 2cm and your waters are beaking, have you packed a bag?” as at the time we lived out of town. When I replied yes he said “Good. We’re going to have to do an emergency cervical stitch (also known as a Cerclage).” When I asked how soon he said “Tonight or tomorrow morning. As soon as possible. Don’t panic, I’m confident it will be fine, however it needs to be done now.” I felt numb. I had never been so frightened in my life. I managed to keep it together whilst booking into the hospital with the Nurse. My husband called my parents and told them the bad news, although I refused to speak to them as I knew I would break down instantly if I had to tell them what was going on. We paid for the appointment and were told to go directly over to the hospital. As soon as I walked out of the OB’s offices I broke down. I couldn’t believe this was happening. There were massive risks with doing an emergency stitch, and from what I had read it was usually unsuccessful. It was actually usually referred to as a “hero stitch” as it was the last bid by doctors to save the baby. Jamie managed to keep it together until we got to the hospital car park, then he lost it. I have never seen my husband cry so much. I knew then that I wasn’t being overdramatic and that this was serious. We both thought we were going to lose our baby.

Fast forward to about 6pm, my brother and Sister-in-law had driven 2 hours to be there for us and support Jamie whilst I was in surgery. It’s safe to say I was terrified to the point where I kept saying to everyone, I want to leave I don’t want to do this. Of course I knew I had to otherwise I would lose my baby. I think I just didn’t want to have to deal with what was going on. What a sh*t situation to be in. I wanted to just close my eyes and wake up and have it all be a horrible nightmare. I was wheeled into surgery at about 7.30pm and put under general anaesthetic. The surgery only took about 15 minutes and was successful. I remember the first thing I said to the nurses when I woke up in recovery was “Is the baby okay?” and all they said was “I assume so, we haven’t been told otherwise.” Which frightened me but immediately after, my little fighter gave me a few strong kicks to let me know he was okay.

The next day I found out I had what was known as an incompetent cervix. Less than 1% of all women have this condition during pregnancy. However, the frightening part about this condition is that most women lose one or more babies before Doctors work out what the cause is. An Incompetent Cervix is basically a weak and short cervix. It struggles to hold the weight and withstand the pressure of a growing baby. Usually women develop this after having some form of surgery on the cervix. It is even rarer for a woman who has had no damage done to their cervix to develop this condition. Unfortunately, I was one of those rare few. One of the worst parts about having a “hero stitch” is the fact that no one can tell you whether it is going to work or not. It is literally a waiting game. On the drive home from the hospital I couldn’t stop crying. I was only 21 weeks pregnant. I needed to reach AT LEAST 24 weeks for the baby to even be resuscitated at birth and if I wanted to have a healthy baby I needed to reach 32 weeks. This was the hardest part of my pregnancy. Those 11 weeks felt like they went for years. The fear of losing your child when there is a great chance is something I cannot describe. It is truly horrific and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I ended up having a few more complications with my pregnancy (mainly an Irritable Uterus) which resulted in many hospital stays and even having to move to Toowoomba due to the risk of preterm labour. At my 28 week appointment my OB did an internal scan (which he had been doing fortnightly since the stitch was put in) and discovered my waters were at the top of the stitch and the stitch was beginning to open at the top, at this point my cervix was measuring 1.8cm (18mm). I was then hospitalised for the duration of my pregnancy on strict bed rest and given 3 doses of steroids as well as inserting progesterone pessaries twice daily (the pessaries began at 23 weeks). At 33 weeks and 4 days I lost my mucus plug and the following day my cervix began to open. I was told I would have my baby within a week. On Sunday 7th September 2014, Hunter Raymond was born (the very next day) on Father’s Day. Hunter was born healthy and breathing on his own. He spent 21 days in the SCN (4 days in the NICU included) and was released the day before he turned 37 weeks. This is technically deemed an unsuccessful “hero stitch” as researchers/doctors only class an emergency stitch to be successful if the patient reaches 37 weeks gestation before giving birth. Which shows the statistics provided online are incorrect in my opinion, as I believe as long as bub is born without severe complications that to me is a success. Hunter had no issues other than becoming Jaundice and requiring treatment. Otherwise the only other issues he had were feeding issues and that is common in preemies. He is thriving now at just over 6 months old.

This was a very difficult blog for me to write. I don’t like to relive what we went through, even though we have a beautiful healthy baby boy now, when thinking/writing about what we went through to get him here I instantly feel sick and get very emotional. But I wrote this blog in the hopes it will save women from the heartbreak of losing a little one.

The message I want you to take away from this blog is please get your cervix checked thoroughly at your 20 week (anatomy) scan. If it is any less than 4cm long, demand a repeat ultrasound no more than a week later. If I can save at least one person the heartache of losing a baby by sharing my story than it is definitely worth reliving everything.

So I ask you, please share this blog! There is literally hardly any information on this online and no one talks about it! I had no idea about it until I went through it myself and I just wish someone had pre-warned me about it. Unfortunately, this is a condition that those who have suffered with it in a previous pregnancy will definitely have the same issues in subsequent/following pregnancies, which is why I also urge you to share this with anyone who has lost a baby without any reason (an incompetent cervix cannot be diagnosed after a woman has already gone into premature labour) and is trying again as it can be treated to possibly prevent future losses.

As always, feel free to message me on Facebook if you have any questions or just need support. The link is in the sidebar on this page.

Love,

Kimberly x

 

 

Mothers At War – Judgemental Parents and The Link To PND

Cry it out vs. Attachment Parenting, Cloth Nappies vs. Disposable, Bottlefeeding vs. Breastfeeding, Working Mum vs. Stay at home Mum, the list goes on. These are all things mothers commonly debate. But my question is why? Why force your views or opinions onto another Mother? What gives you the right to judge another Mother and tell them what they are doing isn’t right because it isn’t what you would do? Why do you feel that it is okay to make another mother feel terrible about themselves because they aren’t parenting their child how you would like them to parent?

These are all questions I am constantly asking myself. Why? Because all over social media, there are constantly arguments about what parenting technique is best, who parents better, what is considered “cruel” and what is considered being a “helicopter mum” (apparently a helicopter mum is someone who hovers over their child not letting them be independent). My simple statement is WHO CARES? As long as the child’s needs are being met and he/she is loved and obviously not being abused then why is it anyone else’s business how a Mother parents her child? Surely I cannot be the only one who feels this way? As a first time mum, I have bared the brunt of a lot of criticism because of course, “I have no idea what I’m doing” and yes most of the time that is true. I learn new things about being a parent every single day. However, just because this is my first child doesn’t make me an incompetent mother, nor does it give anyone else the right to tell me what I am doing is wrong. Sure I make mistakes, we all do, however that is how we learn and grow, in any part of our life, not just as a parent. I have always been of the opinion that being a Mother is hard and as Mothers, we need to support each other, not put each other down. What about those of us that don’t fit it into any of those categories? I am going to give a brief insight into my parenting methods so you can see what I mean.

I breastfed my son for the first 6 weeks of his life. Not only that, but whilst my son spent 3 weeks in special care in hospital, I pumped every 3 hours and had to take my milk to the hospital twice a day. At about 5 and a half weeks, my milk supply dropped dramatically and I had to wean my son and put him on formula. We discovered about 3 weeks after weaning that my son has a severe lip tie, and if it had been cut I could have continued breastfeeding. To say I was devastated doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt. I still feel saddened by the fact that I cannot breastfeed. So does that make me a bottlefeeding mother or a breastfeeding one? Just because you see a mother formula-feeding her child, doesn’t mean it is a choice she wanted to make. Nor does it mean there is anything wrong with choosing to bottle feed over breastfeeding. Giving a mother filthy looks while she formula-feeds her child at the supermarket is certainly not going to change whether she breastfeeds or not. It simply makes you look like a judgemental cow.

I am very lucky in the fact that my son has always settled himself to sleep. Rarely do I have to rock him to sleep unless he is teething. However, sometimes he is over tired and will protest cry because he thinks he doesn’t need sleep. As I am his mother, I know that he is fed, changed, not too hot or cold and isn’t in any pain, therefor I will leave him to cry in his cot for anywhere up to 15 minutes before going in and picking him up. I check on him every few minutes to make sure he is okay. Some may call this “cruel” and using the “cry it out method”, however I call it doing what works for my child. If you aren’t there with me every single night then you have no idea what my son’s cry sounds like, nor do you know how often I check on him or how it makes me feel having to let my child cry. Now, I may seem like a “cry it out mum” but I’ll have you know that I cant handle my child crying/whinging for much longer than 5 minutes whilst he is awake during the day and have often been told “you hold him too much, stop carrying him around, he isn’t a handbag”, these comments were from family members and I brush them off as they don’t mean any harm and are just trying to help, however if it came from a stranger I would be furious. So because I hold my son a lot during the day does that make me a “helicopter mum”? But wait, that cant be if I let my child “cry it out” at night time? Are you starting to get my drift here…

I am a cloth nappying mumma, as well as a disposable nappy mum. I do what works on the day for me. Whilst I care about the environment, I don’t feel guilty about using disposable nappies. In turn, I don’t think using cloth nappies are disgusting. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion most definitely, however there is a huge difference between sharing your opinion and being nasty and judgemental. I have seen many arguments on forums about cloth nappying, whether it be that a mother feels using disposables is “wrong” or whether they think using cloth is “gross”. If you aren’t the one doing it, who cares? Not your child, not your problem.

Now, when it comes to child abuse obviously that is a whole different kettle of fish. However, this is clearly not what I am talking about in this blog. I honestly don’t understand why people have to be so damn judgemental. By sharing a glimpse of how I parent my child, I think I have shown that you don’t always know what “type” of mother someone is and how ridiculous it is that Mothers are given labels and are put into stereotypes.

Studies show that 1 in 7 mothers in Australia are diagnosed with Post Natal Depression (PND)*, I am one of those women. I honestly believe that some of it has to do with how we are judged and compared as mothers. For me, my PND stems from severe anxiety (unrelated to having a baby) but also the fact that I constantly feel like I am not good enough. I don’t bake as much as this Mum does, my house isn’t as clean as that Mum’s is, I am constantly comparing myself to other Mum’s and wondering why I am not doing as well as they are. I have a friend who has recently had her third baby, I had been thinking of her constantly since she had her bub hoping she was doing okay and wasn’t struggling, as with just one child I found getting anything done very difficult. After visiting her recently, she told me how amazing she was doing. Her newborn baby was sleeping through the night most nights, breastfeeding was going great and she was still managing to bake, cook dinner, take her child to school, do the gardening and have an incredibly clean house. I am ashamed to say that when she told me this I immediately felt sick and had to try my best not to break down and cry right in front of her. Whilst I am so glad that she is doing well, I instantly felt jealous and like the most useless wife and mother in the world. Why am I struggling so much when I only have one child and she is doing amazing with 3? Why is my son still waking every 4 hours when her newborn is sleeping through? Why do I care? I honestly feel like the reason why I compare myself to her and other mothers is because I feel like I am constantly being judged by society. If women just supported each other instead of constantly having a go at each other, I honestly believe that the amount of women with PND would decrease dramatically.

I may cop a lot of flak for writing this blog, however I feel like it needed to be said. The message I wanted to get out there by writing this is to SUPPORT EACH OTHER! Mothers often don’t show that they are struggling for fear of being judged, which can turn into PND. My advice is to ask the Mums you know whether they are okay. Ask if they need help (only if this isn’t going to add stress to yourself) and if you are the one struggling ASK FOR HELP! For me personally, I don’t have much of a support base here. I only know one other Mum (who is so nice) but we are only newly friends and I don’t feel right dumping my crap onto her, but I wish I had more people to rely on. I feel like it would make the world of difference. If you are a judgemental mum, then cut it out. It doesn’t help anyone and most times you are doing more damage than good (do you really think condemning a mother for using disposable nappies is going to make them want to use cloth? Yep I don’t think so either).

As always, feel free to message me at any time on my Facebook page (link is in the sidebar) and please share!

Be kind!

Love,

Kimberly xo

 

*Information obtained from the following link http://www.panda.org.au/images/factsheets/Women_and_Postnatal_Depression_Fact_Sheet_14.pdf

The Wonder Weeks – Leap 4 – Dear God Why

So most new Mum’s these days would have heard of “The Wonder Weeks” book and app. If not, here is a brief description. Basically The Wonder Weeks explains the different growth spurts and new skills your child will learn at different stages of their development & splits them into what are known as “Leaps”. I haven’t read the book but do have the app. In the app it lists each leap, when your child is expected to go through the leap and what signs to look out for. It also explains the new “abilities” your child will have once the leap is over. Sounds like a load of BS right? Well I thought so too until Hunter started showing the same signs the app warned me about, at the same time he was expected to be going through the leap. Usually what occurs (depending on the leap) is your baby basically turns into an evil gremlin set out to destroy what little sanity you have left. At least that is what leap 4 has been like for me. I was pre-warned that Leap 4 is the worst and ironically enough it is also one of the longest. Leap 4 is known as “The leap of Events”, at the end of this leap your baby should be able to; hardly miss when grasping things, become very active, put Mum’s hand in their mouth, pull cloth away from own face, hit the table with a toy, search for mum and dad, respond to their name, grumble when impatient, push the breast (this part annoys me, it doesn’t say breast or bottle, just breast. Thanks for making me feel like an even bigger failure for not being able to breastfeed) once done, which roughly translates into; squeal like a monkey for the fun of it, drool enough to fill a bath tub, spit pureed food an impressive distance (usually directly into Mummy’s face), scratch, pinch, punch and pull your hair with incredible force. Why is it that apps and books can never actually be honest with you? Yes my baby is able to do all of these things now, which is brilliant as he is more capable now. However, why don’t they mention the added “abilities” that they gain that aren’t so amazing and mesmerizing? My beautiful, relaxed, happy, sleeps-through-the-night son has morphed into a little mini-hulk that thinks waking up 3 times a night with endless amounts of energy is funny (this is demonstrated by the cutest gummy smile you’ve ever seen). What are you immortal?! Seriously though, it is a tough gig being a baby. So many changes and no one to explain to you in your language why you feel so confused and can all of a sudden suck on your toes. My theory is that this is the reason why we don’t remember being babies. It would be cruel to have all of the memories of being so confused and tired all of the time. That and the teeth coming in (don’t even get me started on teething! That will be in another blog). Luckily for us, this leap is coming to an end with only 2 weeks to go until it is over. Already Hunter is starting to go back to his normal happy self (depending on the day) minus the frequent wake-ups during the night. The reason I am writing this blog is to let other Mummies know that they are not alone, it really is hell during the first few weeks of this leap (I am sure they call them Leaps because at times you really want to leap off a bridge to escape the crying) and it is okay (and sometimes necessary) to put bub in their cot where he/she is safe and walk into another room (where bubba can’t hear you) and scream into a pillow or cry. It really is a testing time of whether you are “cut out” to be a Mother. Regardless of how you feel, you are doing an AMAZING job and the best you can. I felt like an absolute failure after 2 weeks straight of Hunter crying for 2 hours at the same time every night with nothing that would console him, that was until my Mum and Dad babysat him for a few hours one night and rang me in a panic considering taking him to the hospital because nothing would stop him from crying. I asked whether he had a fever, was vomiting or had a rash and when she answered no I said “This is what he does EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT.” Long story short they managed to rock him to sleep (thank God for Grandad – my Dad) about 15 mins after calling me (I should also mention that I was home an hour later, after being told he had gone to sleep, I didn’t just leave my little one to cry with his Grandparents). The next morning they both said to me something along the lines of “I can see why you’re struggling”. It was nice to know that how I was feeling was normal and that I wasn’t a terrible mother for becoming frustrated and miserable when hunter wouldn’t stop crying.

So to those Mum’s currently only at the beginning of Leap 4, it does get better. You will survive. Reach out if you need help. For those of you that have bub’s that haven’t started the leap yet, good luck and make sure you have plenty of coffee on hand – you’re going to need it.

Disclaimer: Not all babies react like this during the leaps, some of us are just lucky to experience the full brunt of it…

As always, feel free to message me on Facebook if you need support or advice.

Love,

Kimberly x

After Labour Story – The thoughts of a First Time Mum Immediately After a Traumatic Labour & Delivery

Note: This blog was written about 3 hours after I gave birth. I haven’t altered it in any way other than fixing up spelling and grammar errors (I’m a crazy person when it comes to writing haha). This is me, all of my thoughts at my most vulnerable..

As a first time mum, no matter how much research you do, no matter how much advice you seek and no matter how many books you read, you will never be prepared for how you feel after giving birth. If you have read my labor & delivery story (that’s if I have posted it yet, not 100% sure I want to relive it in detail) you will know I had an extremely traumatic birth, not only that but I also had a preemie bub, therefor you should take this blog with a grain of salt and remember that everyone’s experience is totally different. But generally if you gave birth naturally and had a graze or needed stitches this blog will most likely relate to you in some way. Alright, I’ll stop with the disclaimers and warnings now and get on with it. The first hour after my birth I spent in quite a bit of pain, but not the sort of pain I had expected (sh*t just realised I didn’t prewarn you in all that rambling that this blog is going to be beyond TMI, mind you, you should already know that if you’ve been following my journey. If not you’re in for a real treat!). Most of my pain was in my bum, mostly in my perineum (the space between your hoo-ha and your, well, there’s no other way to put it, your bum) as that’s where I had an episiotomy (basically they cut you to get bub out if you don’t stretch on your own), but also felt like my tailbone was incredibly bruised, which it very well could be due to the pressure from bub. I felt very “out of it” like a bit loopy – from the gas I was huffing on whilst getting stitches (and also through the first 3 hours of labor, and off and on towards the end). The second hour I was incredibly shocked to realise that it was only 10.40pm, thinking it must have been 3am (funnily enough I am writing this and it’s still not even 3am, yep you’re getting the freshest of the fresh of my after labor thoughts). I managed to have a cup of tea and a piece of toast to try and get my glucose back up so I’d be able to get up and see my son in the SCN soon. Most of the pain was numbed due to a frozen pad (whoever thought of this seriously deserves a Nobel Prize) and some Panadol/Voltaren, so that was nice. The pediatrician also came in and saw us, and explained Hunter’s situation. From what I remember (still groggy at this point) he said that our little man was doing extremely well, breathing room air on his own in the humidicrib (something we had seriously prayed for this whole time). He explained he would be in the Special Care Nursery (SCN) for a few weeks due to him being too young to suck correctly yet, which was something we had been prepared for by the amazing midwives during my long stay in hospital (something I will forever be extremely grateful for having done), so it wasn’t such a shock when he told us that. He told us a whole bunch of other things as well but I’m sure that will be in another post at some point (this is the first one I’m writing). The third hour after birth was actually pretty damn good considering. I managed to get up and have a shower (in other words my beyond amazing, couldn’t live without her, Mother showered me) and they wheeled me to finally see my son. I was extremely nervous to see him as I was still feeling a bit out of sorts and low on blood sugar (weak and shakey). The midwives explained bub’s situation (again should be in another post in the near future, if not already) but most of it went straight over my head, all I know is he’s doing really well and they think he’s really cute (obviously haha). I got to have my first proper cuddles (other than the immediate after delivery ones that lasted all of 2 minutes if that) of my beautiful son, that was such an amazing (and admittedly nerve wracking) experience. Mum got a few photos of all of us and then bub was handed to Jamie while I was milked like a cow. Literally. I’m really not joking one single bit. The midwife hand expressed my golden boobie milk into a syringe. It was about as painful as I had expected, so wasn’t too bad and luckily I’ve known this midwife since the day after I had the stitch put in, so it wasn’t awkward or Uncomfortable. After a good 15 minutes of the milking and watching hubby gaze at our newborn son, oozing with love and pride (yes I had to include some mushy stuff seeing as the rest is pretty blunt, as per my usual writing style haha) we had managed to get a whole 1ml of the golden liquid known as colostrum. Apparently not a bad effort considering, so I was pretty damn proud of myself. Bub was then put back in his temperature-controlled crib and I was wheeled back to my room where Mum made me a cup of tea and I started an attempt on a banana. Mum left shortly after & Jamie and I announced the birth of our little man on Facebook (don’t worry, all the important people had already been contacted by either phone or txt by Jamie or mum). Jamie was keen to go home and rest but I managed to persuade him to stay just a little longer with me (managed to squeeze a good 20 minutes out of him). The fourth hour after birth was pretty difficult for me emotionally. I felt extremely anxious and beyond miserable. I had just given birth and both of my biggest supports had left to get some much deserved rest, so I was feeling very very alone. I kept having flashbacks of the birth and literally panicking about it. Every time I would think about it I would start shaking with adrenaline (still am now actually) and had to talk myself out of it and remind myself that while it was an extremely stressful experience, it’s over and you don’t ever, ever, (EVER) have to do that again. Unfortunately this didn’t work too well and I found myself in tears a few times. Luckily I managed to vent to some (what I class as) very special friends of mine that I have “met” through YouTube, TwoBabyMamas. These girls have been there for me throughout my entire pregnancy (they were the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant, even before hubby and mum) and have always been such a fantastic support. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through some of my hardest days during pregnancy without them. Sharna hasn’t read my message yet, but I already know she will understand and not judge me on how I’m feeling, and I am so so grateful for that. After that I spent the next 20 or so minutes contemplating something I think all women do after giving birth and having stitches…having to wee. So in the 5th hour I finally decided enough was enough and I had to suck it up and go. I was so terrified of it stinging, but also of seeing a ton of blood. Unfortunately the last time I saw a lot of my own blood (what I thought was my own blood, turned out to be betadine wash, which they really shouldn’t make the same colour as blood for this reason) I passed out (almost, hubby managed to catch me before I hit the floor) so I was really frightened I would just pass out completely. So I buzzed my amazing midwife and asked her if she could help me go, which she was more than happy too (these women are seriously saints). Peeing wasn’t anywhere near as painful as I had anticipated the first time would be (thank goodness) and the midwife changed all of my stuff so I didn’t have to see anything, which made the world of difference. I had a chat to her whilst sitting on the toilet (something I never thought I’d do, luckily I’ve known her for weeks) and explained how I was feeling and asked if it was normal. Of course being the amazing woman she is she told me not to feel guilty and that what I am feeling is 100% normal, especially in my situation. I managed to get back into bed, had some more Panadol and a zantac (apparently giving birth doesn’t rid you of the disgusting 3rd trimester acid reflux) and had my Obs done (blood pressure, temp, pulse etc. – all normal and my blood pressure was finally above 110, was actually 125 I think which is such a difference to the 98 I usually have due to the nifedipine). That’s pretty much it. I’ve spent the 6th hour after birth writing this. Something I forced myself to do to distract myself from having more flashbacks. I write these blogs as a healthy way to release my anxiety, it’s pretty damn hard to have a panic attack or cry yourself Silly when you’re concentrating on a blog. So I want to say thank you for allowing me to pour my heart and soul out to you without receiving judgment. If I didn’t have a way to share these blogs, or so many to share them with, I doubt I would bother writing them, so by reading this you are giving me a release and helping me immensely, more than you will know. I sincerely hope you enjoy reading my blogs and hopefully they aren’t too blunt for you (if they are don’t bother continuing to read them, I can’t change who I am or my writing style). I try and keep a bit of humor in there so it’s not so intense. If you do have any suggestions though, your more than welcome to send me a message on my Facebook page (will be linked somewhere on this page I’m sure, probably at the bottom or right side). Feel free to share these blogs with anyone you think might benefit from them, as another reason I write these is in the hopes other women can relate somewhat and not feel so alone (that’s actually why I started writing them, the anxiety release was something that came later when I realized I write most of these at times of high emotion – happiness, sadness, anxiety in general or even frustration). Anyway I have babbled on way too long! Again thank you so much for reading and if you want to keep updated make sure you hit that subscribe button so you receive an email notification whenever I post a new blog. If you want to see pictures and keep even more updated make sure you like my Facebook page & Subscribe on YouTube, the links should be either at the bottom or right side of the page. Lots of love! Kimberly xxox

 

 

 

Labour & Delivery Story {33 Week Premmie} Part 2

Part 2

If you haven’t already read Part 1 of my labour and delivery story, here is the link: http://kjyoutube.com/2015/01/04/labour-delivery-story-33-week-premmie/

At around 7.30pm I had the urge to push. The midwife took the gas off of me as it apparently hinders the ability to push effectively. I tried a few different positions; flat on my back, which wasn’t possible for long due to the severe bruising from the epidural, squatting at the end of the bed with the aid of a bar and finally on my side holding my leg up, this was the only position that was comfortable enough. After pushing for an hour and 20 minutes I became extremely exhausted and begged the midwives to help me. They called the OB in and as soon as I saw him I begged him to use the vacuum or forceps because I couldn’t do it anymore. He said that bub was still too high up for forceps and a vacuum isn’t an option for preemie babies. After examining me he told the midwives to call the anaesthetist immediately to arrange a spinal block (at the time I didn’t know why, but afterwards one of my midwives, Tracey, explained I would have been wheeled into theatre, presumably to cut all the way through to get the baby out) and told me to push as hard as I possibly could with the next contraction. Mum then lent into me and whispered to me that if I didn’t push really hard and bring bub down further, things were going to become very serious or in her words “you need to push really hard, you don’t want to know what they’re going to do to you if you can’t get bub down”. So at the next contraction I did the 2 biggest pushes I could and managed to move bub down far enough for forceps. My OB told the midwives to call the anaesthetist back and tell him not to come in, to which I begged him to let me have a spinal block as I couldn’t deal with the pain anymore. He told me a spinal block would no longer work due to bub now being too far down.

 

They then asked me to move onto my back. This is where things became very serious and very, very painful. This next paragraph will be EXTREMELY TMI (this is the yucky, scary part) so if you’d like to skip this paragraph then do so. My OB asked me to push again and whilst doing so, discovered bub was well and truly stuck. The only way there would be enough room to get bub out safely was to..wait for it… empty my bowel and bladder completely. I’m not going to go into details on how they did that but I’d say it’s exactly how you’d imagine. It was beyond excruciating and I actually thought I was going to die at this point (and so did my poor mother). I screamed so loud that they had to close all of the doors to the maternity ward so I didn’t frighten the other patients. Once this was done they gave me the gas back and performed and episiotomy with the aid of a local anaesthetic (an incision to prevent tearing), whilst the OB was doing this he was saying to the midwives that I have a very short perineum and sounded very concerned. At this point I was pretty much out of it from sucking on the gas profusely. The midwife then told me to push when the forceps go in to help bring bub out. The OB then inserted the forceps, which was very, very painful, and proceeded to pull bubs head out, then he stopped. I think I was in shock by then as in my head I was screaming “what’s going on!!! Get this baby out of me I can’t do this anymore!!!” but couldn’t even muster up a groan. He then removed the forceps from bubs head and pulled bub the rest of the way out by the shoulders.

 

Once born, the OB cut bub’s umbilical cord and wrapped him in a blanket and placed him directly on my chest. I was still so out of it that I had my eyes closed and hadn’t realised bub was laying on me. My Mum and Jamie kept saying to me “open your eyes! Your baby is here!” and as I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was both of them crying and leaning over me looking at the baby. When I looked down and saw that my beautiful boy was breathing all on his own I started crying too, I will never forget that feeling and the first few moments of relief that my son was okay. I was then given a needle in my leg to deliver the placenta and bub was taken to be cleaned up and checked over. The paediatrician decided the baby was doing well enough for me to have another quick cuddle before being taken to the SCN. This is the first time we saw him open his beautiful blue eyes. I remember being so amazed at how tiny he was, but how healthy he looked. He didn’t look skinny like all of the premmies I’d seen photos of online. I cherished those first few cuddles as I knew I wouldn’t get many more for a while. After only a few very short minutes, which seriously felt like seconds, bub was taken down to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) and I had something to eat and then got up and had a shower (thankfully my beautiful Mum helped me do this). Shortly after, the midwife came in and asked if we had a name for him yet, I forgot to mention that after the birth they asked for a name and I said we didn’t have one yet. I was desperate to call him Max, but we had his name picked for years, long before we even started trying to conceive, so when the midwife came back to ask for the name I looked at my Mum and Jamie and they both said “come on, you have had this name picked for years, you’ll regret it if you don’t use it” so I replied “Hunter Raymond”, Raymond being his Great Grandfather’s name (the only grandfather I have ever known). Hunter Raymond was born at 9.05pm on 7th September 2014 weighing 2200g and measuring 46cm long.

 

So that’s it! My entire labour and delivery story! I will be writing a blog about Hunter’s stay in the NICU and SCN hopefully in the near future. Thank you so much for all of your continued support!

 

Lots of love,

Kimberly xo

Labour & Delivery Story {33 Week Premmie}

{Part 1}

So I am FINALLY getting around to writing about my labour and delivery story with Hunter. I made a YouTube video about it when Hunter was about 8 weeks old however I feel like it was just a brief overview of what happened, and it was all over the place as I was still quite traumatised by the whole experience. Hunter is now 14 ½ weeks old and I feel like I have come to terms with the experience to relive it in detail. Now before I dive into it, this will be a LONG blog and very detailed. I won’t be leaving anything out so here is your TMI WARNING! I had a very traumatic and putting it bluntly, a pretty disgusting birthing experience so if you are frightened of childbirth, squeamish or are due to give birth soon, I suggest you may want to avert your eyes now. In saying that, I will try not to be too descriptive..

 

The week before Hunter was born was quite eventful. Things started happening when I was 33 weeks and 3 days, I started spotting red blood so they gave me my last anti-d injection (other than the one post-birth) and kept a close eye on me, one of my midwives, Wendy, said she had a “feeling” I would have bub soon, turns out she was right. The following night I was having a shower and felt strange “down there” and discovered I had lost my mucus plug. My Braxton hicks became a lot stronger and very consistent that night, coming every 5-6 minutes and continued on throughout Saturday. I lost my appetite on Saturday night and just thought it was due to lack of sleep. On Sunday morning, 7th September 2014 I woke up early still feeling queasy and barely ate my breakfast. I decided to take another nap and after waking from that I felt immense pressure in my pelvis, I got up and tried to have a shower but felt so uncomfortable that I immediately got out, got dressed and laid down straight away. Hubby showed up a short time later and noticed I was different, I was snappy, miserable and just felt like something wasn’t right. I buzzed the midwife who gave me Panadol and told me to give it an hour or so to kick in and to let them know if it doesn’t work. Sure enough, at about 1.30pm, 2 hours later I was still feeling the same, if not more crampy. I thought it was nothing but Jamie (my husband) was very concerned so he buzzed the midwife, who actually turned out to be Wendy, the same midwife I’d had just a few days prior. I explained my symptoms and she immediately phoned my OB who instructed her to wheel my down to delivery right away. I was very hesitant, as I knew I most likely wouldn’t be taken back to my room without delivery the baby first. Once down at L&D (around 2pm) they put the CTG monitor on me which showed irregular, but frequent and strong contractions. The midwives told me they weren’t too concerned and would only call the OB in if they thought I was definitely in labour, however they had to call him regarding another patient so mentioned my CTG results to him (I wasn’t aware of this at the time). At 2.30pm my OB came racing into the room in his casual Sunday clothes (the only time I’d actually seen him out of a suit and tie) actually puffing, which worried me that he’d raced to the hospital to see me. He said he wanted to do an internal check to make sure the stitch wasn’t tearing, which wasn’t unusual as I had many examinations during my long hospital stay, however, this time he wanted to perform the examination in an actual delivery room, which had never been done before. It’s safe to say I began to get very nervous at this point but still thought it was probably going to be nothing. They wheeled me into the delivery room and put me on the bed and set up the stirrups. The doctor used a speculum and had a very concerned look on his face whilst examining me but didn’t say a word. After what felt like forever (but more likely probably only a minute or 2) my OB looked up at me and said “You’re going to have a baby today”. I immediately started crying hysterically saying “it’s too soon, he’s not ready yet”, the OB replied “I’m sorry darlin’ but there’s nothing else I can do, your waters are coming through the stitch so we have to remove it.” He then explained that they anaesthetist would come in shortly and give me an epidural so they could remove the stitch (this was the original birth plan we had discussed) and went on to insert a cannula into my hand, this took a good 3-4 attempts as my veins are very small. I should have known then that things weren’t going to go well.

 

Fast forward to 3.30pm and the anaesthetist arrived ready to give me an epidural. They had me lean over a pillow on the edge of the bed and hold my husband’s hand. They gave me a local anaesthetic into my back and began to attempt inserting the epidural. After about 5 minutes the anaesthetist became very frustrated as he couldn’t get the epidural in. He gave me another local and made another attempt that was extremely painful, I was crying out in pain and flinching. The anaesthetist began yelling at me not to move and I kept saying it really hurt, my poor husband repeatedly asked him if it’s supposed to hurt to which the anaesthetist replied “it’s not hurting her, it’s just uncomfortable.” He then threatened to walk out and not give me an epidural if I couldn’t still. Flash forward 25 minutes, 2 more locals and several attempts by the anaesthetist, they gave up and said I am unable to have an epidural do to my spine being too small. I was devastated and once again hysterical. I had no idea what to do now as I “knew” (or at least I thought I knew) I couldn’t give birth naturally without an epidural. I asked whether a C-section would be possible but the anaesthetist advised he wouldn’t recommend it due to bub being a premmie (apparently it can cause extra breathing problems for premmies born via C-section). I asked to see my OB and asked him to make the decision for me, which of course he couldn’t. I ended up calling my Mum (who was on her way to the hospital) and asking her what I should do. She said I should definitely try delivering naturally for the sake of bub and my husband strongly agreed. So we called the OB back in and told him the decision we’d made.

At 4pm I was wheeled down to theatre to have the stitch removed. They decided to sedate me to get the stitch out.

By 4.45pm I was wheeled back into the delivery room and told my waters had broken and that I was already 6cm dilated. The midwife offered me gas, which I explained I didn’t want to use due to others’ bad experiences I’d heard about but she insisted I just learn how to breathe it in properly just in case I needed it later. Funnily enough I didn’t give the gas back.

At around 6pm my Mum arrived. She was so shocked at how well I was doing, I was chatting away and using the gas during contractions but wasn’t moaning or anything at that stage. Turns out the sedating meds they used earlier hadn’t worn off and had a calming effect, hence my relaxed state. By about 7pm I started to struggle with the contractions, moaning through them and biting down on the gas tube. I was advised by the midwife that I should soon feel the sensation to push.

Click here for Part 2 of my Labour and Delivery story: http://kjyoutube.com/2015/01/05/labour-delivery-story-33-week-premmie-part-2/

A Typical Day in Hospital

Today is Saturday, which is day 10 in hospital. I haven’t written a blog for quite a few days for a few reasons. The first being I’ve had a cold, which seems to have settled down thank goodness, and the other being that nothing has really happened which is obviously a very good thing! I thought I had better give you all a quick update on how I’m doing anyway, so that you know everything is fine! Other than having some of the most intense reflux I have ever felt in my life and (TMI WARNING) the fact that I was constipated for a whole week until today, I’m doing well. The midwife suggested on Monday night that I might sleep better if I had my own pillows from home and she was so right! I am no longer sore when I wake up and am actually having a more comfortable sleep, so that’s really nice. Although, my body clock is still out of whack and as a result I am only getting about 5 hours sleep a night, which has had me develop a bit of a routine. I am woken up at 6am every morning for medication (Nifedipine), I then usually watch Sunrise for an hour or so (or go back to sleep, but this is very rare) until Breakfast comes at 7am, which is the same time Jamie calls me on his way to work (don’t worry we have an in-car kit, all hands-free so it’s safe for him to talk and drive), then I usually watch the rest of sunrise, hop up and insert the progesterone pessary then have the midwives hook me up to the CTG to get it over and done with. I have to have two CTG’s a day to monitor bub as well as my contractions (if I have any, which I don’t usually, not actual ones anyway), this is apparently policy for any pregnant woman staying in hospital over 28weeks. I don’t mind it too much, sometimes it’s a bit uncomfortable if I’ve just eaten but otherwise it’s fine. I have to have it on from anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour depending if bub is sleeping or not (if bub is asleep we have to attempt to wake him up with a cold drink so they know he was in fact just sleeping and not lethargic). So far we have had a few instances where I have had to have the monitor on for an hour, take it off and then have it put back on for another 40 minutes due to strong Braxton hicks showing up on the monitor or bub sleeping; it has always ended up being fine though. Then around 9am I usually try to have a nap as I am ALWAYS tired by then and it’s one of the only times of the day where I don’t have nurses, cleaning staff or meals coming in and waking me up. The rest of the day usually consists of playing games on my phone, watching YouTube and terrible day time television (Ridge got thrown out of a helicopter on Bold and The Beautiful yesterday, little does he know Bill is behind it..bum bum bum!!) & researching things for my new business (yes I have something very exciting in the making, but it will be a long while until it’s launched, definitely not until after bub is born. I’m aiming for January next year but I may leave hints here and there on my Facebook page, so go and like it if you haven’t already!). Then I usually have dinner around 5pm (or pick at it, it’s usually not overly appetising), then have another CTG around 6pm/7pm. Jamie usually gets here around 7.30/8pm and stays for an hour or two. Lately he’s been bringing me dinner which is really nice, there’s an Italian restaurant called Woggie’s just up the road from the hospital and they make the best Carbonara and garlic bread, I’ve had it 3 times this week already. Once Jamie leaves I normally have a shower and get ready for bed, then wait until midnight for my next lot of meds (sometimes I fall asleep before then but it’s unlikely). If I am lucky I might fall asleep by 12.30am! That’s pretty much my typical routine. It’s fairly boring; however I would much prefer a boring day in hospital than one filled with stress and worry due to Braxton hicks or cervical pain. I think that’s all I have to report on for now, everything is still the same as far as we know and after speaking with the Doctor today, we’ve decided not to do an internal exam or ultrasound unless absolutely necessary as we don’t want to irritate my cervix. There really isn’t much point in checking it anyway while I’m in hospital unless I had signs something wasn’t right because we are doing everything physically possible to keep bub safe in there and while he is being monitored twice daily with the CTG we are able to check that he’s okay so there is no need for an ultrasound on him either (although I would LOVE to see a 3D pic of him). So that’s it! Sorry if this is a bit of a boring one for you, but that is pretty much how things are at the moment. If you have any questions about anything please let me know! Thanks for reading!

Xo