I know it’s been a long time since I wrote a blog, but I had a lot on my mind that I just wanted to vent – this blog is a bit all over the place, so please excuse that – it’s been a while!
So today’s blog is going to be a bit of a deeper one, so I hope that’s okay! I’ve been going through a lot of stuff emotionally and mentally lately and figured there is no way I am the only Mum who ever feels like this, so I thought I’d share some of what I’ve been going through in the hopes that I’ll help someone else who feels the same and even maybe gain a bit of support for myself too.
Lately, life has been very hectic and busy lately, good busy, but still busy can sometimes be stressful. Between work, study, trying to be a decent wife and Mum as well as the fact that Hunter was sick non-stop with colds/flus from March right through until about 3 weeks ago, my mental and emotional health started to slip a little – actually lets be honest – a LOT. In the past 6 months of my life I’ve had at least 5 nervous breakdowns. I really wish I was exaggerating, but unfortunately I’m not. A lot of the time they stem from my anxiety (which if you were unaware – you probably are seeing as I’ve been too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it – stems from my emetophobia. I don’t really ever want to go into detail about this because I am honestly so ashamed that at almost 25 years old, I still struggle immensely with this phobia, but if you’d like to know about it, google it.) but more recently it stems from my fear of letting people down. I have always been someone who gives up on things far too easily. At the first sign of problems I usually run for the hills or pack it in and call it a day, so this year has been a real test for me. Financially, my job helps my family out substantially – I don’t earn much at all, but it covers most of our weekly groceries which is very helpful when you’re trying to budget and save money. But, not only that, I have never (and I really mean, never) loved a job as much as I love my current one. My managers and bosses are amazing and so easy to get along with and so are all of my colleagues. My position itself is amazing, I enjoy almost every single task I do and finally feel like a valued team member, so much so that I decided to make a career out of it. Now, being a Mum of an almost 3 year old and deciding you want to work towards a career is tough, but it is definitely do-able with a bit of discipline. I currently only work 2 days a week, however over the past few months my original role of Motel Receptionist has changed and I am now taking on a lot more work and stress than originally intended. My job absolutely isn’t stressful, however with Hunter getting sick so much lately, it’s meant I’ve had to take a lot of sick days – which obviously isn’t helpful to my workplace and my manager (very nicely) mentioned that I needed to get mine and Hunter’s health in order because they need me to be on board every week – as a lot of my tasks now can’t be completed without me. I have to be honest, I felt pretty defeated and like an absolute failure and the more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Hunter getting sick a lot isn’t really something I can change, he takes vitamin c, an immune booster and a probiotic daily and he’s in daycare, so I can’t do more than what I already am doing to prevent him from catching a cold. Lately, I’ve really struggled with the thought of failing and disappointing people – my self confidence is at an all time low (I’ll write about that in another blog) so this really hit me hard. I found myself getting anxious any time Hunter sneezed or coughed or if I felt unusually tired or had a tickle in my throat because I was so scared of needing to call in sick again. On top of all of that, my house constantly looks like a bomb has hit it and I’ve fallen way behind on my study, I go to bed every night feeling like an absolute failure as a wife, a Mum and as an employee. Every single day I feel Mum guilt – either about not spending enough time sitting and playing with Hunter or that I shouldn’t have gotten as cranky with him at some point in the day and it has become overwhelming lately. I constantly feel the need to be reassured by my husband that I’m not a terrible wife and that he isn’t going to leave me for someone younger, prettier, more organised and capable of actually getting pregnant and carrying a baby full term (yep, still clinging on to that – yet another blog coming your way in the near future). I feel like I have aged terribly this year and that I just downright look ugly – which is something I have never genuinely felt before. I have always been a self conscious person, but I’ve also always had a decent amount of confidence in my appearance and personality. I have even had times where I have considered leaving my husband purely because I don’t think I’m good enough – and recently had a horrible argument with him because of this (I won’t go into details of the argument out of respect for my husband and my marriage – Jamie isn’t an over-sharer like I am) – edit: I also want to quickly mention that our marriage genuinely is fantastic and we generally don’t argue much at all – didn’t want anyone thinking we aren’t happy or that we’re on the brink of divorce – not even close! I’m finding things tough because I don’t really have any close friends where I live any more and struggle to find new ones due to my anxiety and the fact that I really think I can be difficult to get along with sometimes – so I don’t have anyone to chill out and vent to anymore. Wow, I really didn’t plan on this becoming a poor me blog, I had actually planned on writing a blog about how we all feel like we’re failing sometimes and that’s okay because we’re all doing the best we can, but how can I give advice when I don’t even take it on board myself.
Anyway, I do want to say that I am getting back on track when it comes to study and my work (I’m actually managing the motel for 5 days soon!) – I guess I’m still struggling more than I thought emotionally and mentally. But, I am absolutely not depressed or ungrateful for my life – I don’t want anyone to think that. I’m just going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment – but I’ll get through it. I hope you’re all doing well and staying warm and if any of you ever need to talk, I’m always just a message away.