Life Update – July 2017

Hello friends!

(Guys this is a damn long one – get a snack, maybe even some kind of alcoholic beverage if that’s your thing (I’d suggest wine, but I don’t really want to suggest that you drink something that I think tastes like rotten grapes) because clearly I cannot stop rambling today –  when you’re using brackets inside of brackets you know it’s time for you to step away from the computer)

I thought I’d finally give you all a little life update seeing as it’s been quite a while since I’ve really filled you in on our life. I’m so sorry I’ve been so MIA lately on most of my social media accounts, to be honest I’ve just lost all motivation and inspiration when it comes to my blog and YouTube. Unfortunately, I’m one of those annoying people who replies to messages in my head and never actually physically replies and the same goes for my blog. I swear I’ve written a good 5 blogs in my head and then never actually get around to writing them and posting them, but hopefully I’ll get back to posting a little more regularly.

Life has been pretty crazy busy this year. I’ve been working longer hours recently and I’m also studying for a Diploma of Hospitality Management which takes up a lot of my time and energy. Add that to trying to be a decent Mum and wife and that’s pretty much all my time gone (and I still feel like I’m failing at that as well – I’ve even written a blog about it – which you can read here). Hunter is in daycare 2 days per week now, which is hard because I work both of those days, which doesn’t leave much time for me to get any study or housework done without him around. He was attending a different daycare 3 days per week, but as time went on he began to really dislike going and was completely miserable – so we moved him to a more family orientated daycare and he is much happier there and has even finally made a little friend – I honestly think he gets overwhelmed with lots of kids around – so going to a smaller daycare (there’s only about 5 – 8 kids depending on the day) is really helping him get over his shyness.

We recently bought a little mini quadbike, which Hunter absolutely loves – we have to ride it with him as it is a little bigger than it looked in the picture – but I’m quietly happy about it because it means I can ride it too without breaking it haha.

We also have a new family member called Nitro.

Nitro 15.07.17He’s just turned 10 weeks old and is a purebred blue American Staffy. He is too cute and has settled in SO well with our little family and other pets. I just took him to the Vet last week to get his 2nd vaccination and everyone was saying what a sweet boy he is. We really got lucky with Nitro, he’s such a gentle, cuddly and kind-natured dog.

Jamie and I have been doing really well too. I really feel like I fall in love with him more each and every day (sorry, I really should have put in a “prepare to roll your eyes and be grossed out by the mushiness disclaimer before I wrote that). It’s funny – people always said you will love your partner more once you see them with your kid/s and I always used to roll my eyes thinking “how could I love him any more than I do now” but it is SO true. I’m actually thinking of dedicating a blog to relationships and how to make them work when you have kids (because I just wrote a big spiel about it and ended up deleting it because this blog is so f*cking long already) . Marriage can be rocky sometimes and all relationships have their ups and downs – and considering how much Jamie and I have been through as a couple and separately I think it could be interesting for others to read about? I don’t know, let me know what you think in the comments below or on any of my social media accounts (all linked at the bottom of this post). We recently went to a friend’s 21st and it was the first time that we had a full night out together without worrying about Hunter in almost 6 months (thanks to Granma – Jamie’s Mum – for coming over and watching Hunter for us! ❤ ). I will admit I had pretty severe anxiety about going because – to be honest, I don’t really get out much – other than work and grocery shopping I am basically homebound most of the time, so this was tough for me. I ended up having a panic attack soon after we walked into the party and said happy birthday, but after some fresh air and a few tears I was fine and we had a wonderful night. I always find that when I have a panic attack and force myself to stay in the situation that’s causing the anxiety, I will end up crying and then the panic attack goes away. It doesn’t always work, but if I can be strong enough to ride out the panic attack and let it reach its peak – which is usually me crying – I end up being fine for the rest of the time. It doesn’t always work out that way, sometimes I have to leave the situation because I just don’t have the strength to push through, but when I do manage to stick it out, I always end up feeling so proud of myself. Anyway, side tracked yet again, here is a photo of Jamie and I from the party.

Jamie and Kimmy 19.07.17

(P.s how HOT is my husband?! Since January, he’s been working so hard in the gym and has managed to lose over 10kg!)

Alright, I think I’ve rambled on long enough – oh I actually just realized I didn’t address the one thing I/we get asked the most – “when are you having another baby?” and I feel kind of bad doing this, but you’ll have to wait for another blog to find out. Before you get excited, it’s not going to be an announcement of any sort (spoiler alert: I’m not pregnant). I just have too much to include when discussing the subject of TTC and more kids that it would make this blog far too long if I included it in here. But, hopefully I’ll be able to get my sh*t together and write an update about that for you soon.

If you managed to make it this far without skipping anything, we are now best internet friends and you’re stuck with me (totally kidding, but seriously, how the f*ck do you make new friends as an adult?). But thank you for reading and sticking around, even when I go MIA for months on end.

I hope you’re all doing well and if you aren’t, I hope things get better for you soon.

Sending lots of love and positive vibes,

Kimberly

Xo

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Feeling Like a Failure & Mum Guilt

Hi friends!

I know it’s been a long time since I wrote a blog, but I had a lot on my mind that I just wanted to vent – this blog is a bit all over the place, so please excuse that – it’s been a while!

So today’s blog is going to be a bit of a deeper one, so I hope that’s okay! I’ve been going through a lot of stuff emotionally and mentally lately and figured there is no way I am the only Mum who ever feels like this, so I thought I’d share some of what I’ve been going through in the hopes that I’ll help someone else who feels the same and even maybe gain a bit of support for myself too.

Lately, life has been very hectic and busy lately, good busy, but still busy can sometimes be stressful. Between work, study, trying to be a decent wife and Mum as well as the fact that Hunter was sick non-stop with colds/flus from March right through until about 3 weeks ago, my mental and emotional health started to slip a little –  actually lets be honest – a LOT. In the past 6 months of my life I’ve had at least 5 nervous breakdowns. I really wish I was exaggerating, but unfortunately I’m not. A lot of the time they stem from my anxiety (which if you were unaware – you probably are seeing as I’ve been too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it – stems from my emetophobia. I don’t really ever want to go into detail about this because I am honestly so ashamed that at almost 25 years old, I still struggle immensely with this phobia, but if you’d like to know about it, google it.) but more recently it stems from my fear of letting people down. I have always been someone who gives up on things far too easily. At the first sign of problems I usually run for the hills or pack it in and call it a day, so this year has been a real test for me. Financially, my job helps my family out substantially – I don’t earn much at all, but it covers most of our weekly groceries which is very helpful when you’re trying to budget and save money. But, not only that, I have never (and I really mean, never) loved a job as much as I love my current one. My managers and bosses are amazing and so easy to get along with and so are all of my colleagues. My position itself is amazing, I enjoy almost every single task I do and finally feel like a valued team member, so much so that I decided to make a career out of it. Now, being a Mum of an almost 3 year old and deciding you want to work towards a career is tough, but it is definitely do-able with a bit of discipline. I currently only work 2 days a week, however over the past few months my original role of Motel Receptionist has changed and I am now taking on a lot more work and stress than originally intended. My job absolutely isn’t stressful, however with Hunter getting sick so much lately, it’s meant I’ve had to take a lot of sick days – which obviously isn’t helpful to my workplace and my manager (very nicely) mentioned that I needed to get mine and Hunter’s health in order because they need me to be on board every week – as a lot of my tasks now can’t be completed without me. I have to be honest, I felt pretty defeated and like an absolute failure and the more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Hunter getting sick a lot isn’t really something I can change, he takes vitamin c, an immune booster and a probiotic daily and he’s in daycare, so I can’t do more than what I already am doing to prevent him from catching a cold. Lately, I’ve really struggled with the thought of failing and disappointing people – my self confidence is at an all time low (I’ll write about that in another blog) so this really hit me hard. I found myself getting anxious any time Hunter sneezed or coughed or if I felt unusually tired or had a tickle in my throat because I was so scared of needing to call in sick again. On top of all of that, my house constantly looks like a bomb has hit it and I’ve fallen way behind on my study, I go to bed every night feeling like an absolute failure as a wife, a Mum and as an employee. Every single day I feel Mum guilt – either about not spending enough time sitting and playing with Hunter or that I shouldn’t have gotten as cranky with him at some point in the day and it has become overwhelming lately. I constantly feel the need to be reassured by my husband that I’m not a terrible wife and that he isn’t going to leave me for someone younger, prettier, more organised and capable of actually getting pregnant and carrying a baby full term (yep, still clinging on to that – yet another blog coming your way in the near future). I feel like I have aged terribly this year and that I just downright look ugly – which is something I have never genuinely felt before. I have always been a self conscious person, but I’ve also always had a decent amount of confidence in my appearance and personality. I have even had times where I have considered leaving my husband purely because I don’t think I’m good enough – and recently had a horrible argument with him because of this (I won’t go into details of the argument out of respect for my husband and my marriage – Jamie isn’t an over-sharer like I am) – edit: I also want to quickly mention that our marriage genuinely is fantastic and we generally don’t argue much at all – didn’t want anyone thinking we aren’t happy or that we’re on the brink of divorce – not even close! I’m finding things tough because I don’t really have any close friends where I live any more and struggle to find new ones due to my anxiety and the fact that I really think I can be difficult to get along with sometimes – so I don’t have anyone to chill out and vent to anymore. Wow, I really didn’t plan on this becoming a poor me blog, I had actually planned on writing a blog about how we all feel like we’re failing sometimes and that’s okay because we’re all doing the best we can, but how can I give advice when I don’t even take it on board myself.

Anyway, I do want to say that I am getting back on track when it comes to study and my work (I’m actually managing the motel for 5 days soon!) – I guess I’m still struggling more than I thought emotionally and mentally. But, I am absolutely not depressed or ungrateful for my life – I don’t want anyone to think that. I’m just going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment – but I’ll get through it. I hope you’re all doing well and staying warm and if any of you ever need to talk, I’m always just a message away.

Kimberly Xo