Note: This blog was written about 3 hours after I gave birth. I haven’t altered it in any way other than fixing up spelling and grammar errors (I’m a crazy person when it comes to writing haha). This is me, all of my thoughts at my most vulnerable..
As a first time mum, no matter how much research you do, no matter how much advice you seek and no matter how many books you read, you will never be prepared for how you feel after giving birth. If you have read my labor & delivery story (that’s if I have posted it yet, not 100% sure I want to relive it in detail) you will know I had an extremely traumatic birth, not only that but I also had a preemie bub, therefor you should take this blog with a grain of salt and remember that everyone’s experience is totally different. But generally if you gave birth naturally and had a graze or needed stitches this blog will most likely relate to you in some way. Alright, I’ll stop with the disclaimers and warnings now and get on with it. The first hour after my birth I spent in quite a bit of pain, but not the sort of pain I had expected (sh*t just realised I didn’t prewarn you in all that rambling that this blog is going to be beyond TMI, mind you, you should already know that if you’ve been following my journey. If not you’re in for a real treat!). Most of my pain was in my bum, mostly in my perineum (the space between your hoo-ha and your, well, there’s no other way to put it, your bum) as that’s where I had an episiotomy (basically they cut you to get bub out if you don’t stretch on your own), but also felt like my tailbone was incredibly bruised, which it very well could be due to the pressure from bub. I felt very “out of it” like a bit loopy – from the gas I was huffing on whilst getting stitches (and also through the first 3 hours of labor, and off and on towards the end). The second hour I was incredibly shocked to realise that it was only 10.40pm, thinking it must have been 3am (funnily enough I am writing this and it’s still not even 3am, yep you’re getting the freshest of the fresh of my after labor thoughts). I managed to have a cup of tea and a piece of toast to try and get my glucose back up so I’d be able to get up and see my son in the SCN soon. Most of the pain was numbed due to a frozen pad (whoever thought of this seriously deserves a Nobel Prize) and some Panadol/Voltaren, so that was nice. The pediatrician also came in and saw us, and explained Hunter’s situation. From what I remember (still groggy at this point) he said that our little man was doing extremely well, breathing room air on his own in the humidicrib (something we had seriously prayed for this whole time). He explained he would be in the Special Care Nursery (SCN) for a few weeks due to him being too young to suck correctly yet, which was something we had been prepared for by the amazing midwives during my long stay in hospital (something I will forever be extremely grateful for having done), so it wasn’t such a shock when he told us that. He told us a whole bunch of other things as well but I’m sure that will be in another post at some point (this is the first one I’m writing). The third hour after birth was actually pretty damn good considering. I managed to get up and have a shower (in other words my beyond amazing, couldn’t live without her, Mother showered me) and they wheeled me to finally see my son. I was extremely nervous to see him as I was still feeling a bit out of sorts and low on blood sugar (weak and shakey). The midwives explained bub’s situation (again should be in another post in the near future, if not already) but most of it went straight over my head, all I know is he’s doing really well and they think he’s really cute (obviously haha). I got to have my first proper cuddles (other than the immediate after delivery ones that lasted all of 2 minutes if that) of my beautiful son, that was such an amazing (and admittedly nerve wracking) experience. Mum got a few photos of all of us and then bub was handed to Jamie while I was milked like a cow. Literally. I’m really not joking one single bit. The midwife hand expressed my golden boobie milk into a syringe. It was about as painful as I had expected, so wasn’t too bad and luckily I’ve known this midwife since the day after I had the stitch put in, so it wasn’t awkward or Uncomfortable. After a good 15 minutes of the milking and watching hubby gaze at our newborn son, oozing with love and pride (yes I had to include some mushy stuff seeing as the rest is pretty blunt, as per my usual writing style haha) we had managed to get a whole 1ml of the golden liquid known as colostrum. Apparently not a bad effort considering, so I was pretty damn proud of myself. Bub was then put back in his temperature-controlled crib and I was wheeled back to my room where Mum made me a cup of tea and I started an attempt on a banana. Mum left shortly after & Jamie and I announced the birth of our little man on Facebook (don’t worry, all the important people had already been contacted by either phone or txt by Jamie or mum). Jamie was keen to go home and rest but I managed to persuade him to stay just a little longer with me (managed to squeeze a good 20 minutes out of him). The fourth hour after birth was pretty difficult for me emotionally. I felt extremely anxious and beyond miserable. I had just given birth and both of my biggest supports had left to get some much deserved rest, so I was feeling very very alone. I kept having flashbacks of the birth and literally panicking about it. Every time I would think about it I would start shaking with adrenaline (still am now actually) and had to talk myself out of it and remind myself that while it was an extremely stressful experience, it’s over and you don’t ever, ever, (EVER) have to do that again. Unfortunately this didn’t work too well and I found myself in tears a few times. Luckily I managed to vent to some (what I class as) very special friends of mine that I have “met” through YouTube, TwoBabyMamas. These girls have been there for me throughout my entire pregnancy (they were the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant, even before hubby and mum) and have always been such a fantastic support. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through some of my hardest days during pregnancy without them. Sharna hasn’t read my message yet, but I already know she will understand and not judge me on how I’m feeling, and I am so so grateful for that. After that I spent the next 20 or so minutes contemplating something I think all women do after giving birth and having stitches…having to wee. So in the 5th hour I finally decided enough was enough and I had to suck it up and go. I was so terrified of it stinging, but also of seeing a ton of blood. Unfortunately the last time I saw a lot of my own blood (what I thought was my own blood, turned out to be betadine wash, which they really shouldn’t make the same colour as blood for this reason) I passed out (almost, hubby managed to catch me before I hit the floor) so I was really frightened I would just pass out completely. So I buzzed my amazing midwife and asked her if she could help me go, which she was more than happy too (these women are seriously saints). Peeing wasn’t anywhere near as painful as I had anticipated the first time would be (thank goodness) and the midwife changed all of my stuff so I didn’t have to see anything, which made the world of difference. I had a chat to her whilst sitting on the toilet (something I never thought I’d do, luckily I’ve known her for weeks) and explained how I was feeling and asked if it was normal. Of course being the amazing woman she is she told me not to feel guilty and that what I am feeling is 100% normal, especially in my situation. I managed to get back into bed, had some more Panadol and a zantac (apparently giving birth doesn’t rid you of the disgusting 3rd trimester acid reflux) and had my Obs done (blood pressure, temp, pulse etc. – all normal and my blood pressure was finally above 110, was actually 125 I think which is such a difference to the 98 I usually have due to the nifedipine). That’s pretty much it. I’ve spent the 6th hour after birth writing this. Something I forced myself to do to distract myself from having more flashbacks. I write these blogs as a healthy way to release my anxiety, it’s pretty damn hard to have a panic attack or cry yourself Silly when you’re concentrating on a blog. So I want to say thank you for allowing me to pour my heart and soul out to you without receiving judgment. If I didn’t have a way to share these blogs, or so many to share them with, I doubt I would bother writing them, so by reading this you are giving me a release and helping me immensely, more than you will know. I sincerely hope you enjoy reading my blogs and hopefully they aren’t too blunt for you (if they are don’t bother continuing to read them, I can’t change who I am or my writing style). I try and keep a bit of humor in there so it’s not so intense. If you do have any suggestions though, your more than welcome to send me a message on my Facebook page (will be linked somewhere on this page I’m sure, probably at the bottom or right side). Feel free to share these blogs with anyone you think might benefit from them, as another reason I write these is in the hopes other women can relate somewhat and not feel so alone (that’s actually why I started writing them, the anxiety release was something that came later when I realized I write most of these at times of high emotion – happiness, sadness, anxiety in general or even frustration). Anyway I have babbled on way too long! Again thank you so much for reading and if you want to keep updated make sure you hit that subscribe button so you receive an email notification whenever I post a new blog. If you want to see pictures and keep even more updated make sure you like my Facebook page & Subscribe on YouTube, the links should be either at the bottom or right side of the page. Lots of love! Kimberly xxox